Billboard Hot 100 Top 10:
1- "Bodak Yellow (Money Moves) - Cardi B (=) -- Cardi B is now the owner of the longest running No. 1 single in the history of the Hot 100 for a female rapper unaccompanied by any other artist. But once she overcame the obstacle to actually get there on her own, that wasn't a hard mark to set. The only other such song was Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)," which reigned for only two weeks. I'd be more ecstatic about this milestone, but I don't care for the song. Although given a choice between this and the foul stench that's stuck at No. 2, I'd go for this without question. Also, Cardi isn't leading in any of the three categories, so that's a sign her reign is coming to a close.
2- "rockstar" - Post Malone featuring 21 Savage (=) -- The fact that this has now been stuck for three weeks here at No. 2 is making me furious. Not only is this a horrendous song by two untalented rappers, but the idea that rappers are the new rock stars just pisses me off. That's such an unintelligent point of view that infuriates me. If this sneaks up to No. 1, I'm going to throw a fit.
3- "Mi Gente" - J Balvin & Willy William featuring Beyonce (+18) -- You KNEW this was coming, right? Once this song was finished rising on its own, J Balvin was bound to release a remix with an English-speaking artists to boost its sales. Given that this song is about trying to create a song that all can connect with anyone, regardless of race, skin color, language spoken or country lived in, I'm surprised that they didn't do this from the start. So the idea of that doesn't upset me. And Beyonce said she's donating all proceeds that this remix sales to victims of recent natural disasters is really cool. So I was ready to enjoy this. But I'm not going to lie, from a pure musical standpoint, Beyonce's addition is awful. She doesn't fit in at all with J Balvin and her English verse is putrid and totally disrupts the flow of the song. But oh well. Go buy this song. Send it to No. 1. I'll be happy because that means we'll be helping people around the world and I totally support good causes. And two Latino songs at No. 1 in 2017? That'd be cool. But I still prefer the original mix of the song.
4- "1-800-273-8255" - Logic featuring Alessia Cara & Khalid (=) -- Well, if you take into account the huge surge of "Mi Gente" into the top three, this song essentially rose a spot, leap-frogging Taylor Swift. That's cool. This song may be destined to be stuck at No. 4, but I like having this song around because we're helping prevent suicide.
5- "Look What You Made Me Do" - Taylor Swift (-2) -- If Taylor's lead-off single is going to have trouble staying around and drops out of the top 10 before her album arrives, that's not really a good sign for Taylor going forward. But perhaps there will be a song on the album that manages to gain more traction with audiences, so all is not lost for Taylor. In her battle against Katy Perry, she's already totally owned because Katy's music has completely tanked this year, which makes me happy.
6- "Feel it Still" - Portugal. The Man (+1) -- Rock songs like this have a tendency of peaking around No. 3 or No. 4 at best, so I'm trying to be objectively honest in saying I don't know how much higher this is going to get, but I'm still super stoked that it's sticking around because I love this song and I love that it has gained mainstream success. Now I just hope it can manage to fend off the Imagine Dragons song that is suddenly creeping up behind it.
7- "Thunder" - Imagine Dragons (+10) -- I'm stoked that we got rid of "Believer" from the top 10, but it's an "out of the frying pan, into the fire" sort of situation as "Thunder" roars into the top 10 thanks to its inclusion in a Microsoft Surface Laptop commercial. What's worse is that if streaming and radio catch up to its huge sales right now, it might end up sticking around for a while. But for the love of all that is good and right in the world, I hope this is just a quick surge for a few weeks because I really want Imagine Dragons to disappear off the face of the Billboard Hot 100. Their mediocre nonsense isn't worthy of representing the great genre of rock, which is mostly ignored by general audiences today when it comes to Billboard Hot 100 performance.
8- "Sorry Not Sorry" - Demi Lovato (+2) -- Can you believe that "Sorry Not Sorry" is now Demi's highest charting single of her career? Her previous high was her "This is Me" duet with Joe Jonas in 2009, which peaked at No. 9. Her other two entries, "Sky Scraper" and "Heart Attack" both peaked at No. 10. So this is exciting for Demi and her fans. For me I'm happy, but I would prefer a slightly better single next time. Because this is serviceable, but it's not great. I don't know if I mentioned this, but her new album as a whole is a pretty big mess. But there are some individual songs that I really enjoy, so let's hope Demi and her team can be good with her future single selections after this song has finished running its course.
9- "Despacito" - Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee featuring Justin Bieber (-4) -- It looks like "Despacito" is on its way out as the surge of "Mi Gente" has pushed "Despacito" down. This quick of an exit after finally falling off the top of the charts means that, despite tying the record for most weeks at No. 1, this won't be the top song of the year. Not in my system, anyways. That'll belong to Ed Sheeran with "Shape of You." I'm not sure what Billboard's official list will look like, but their end of year list system really kinda annoys me, so I don't really care that much for it.
10- "Unforgettable" - French Montana featuring Swae Lee (-4) -- I was hoping that this song would stay steady and even perhaps make a sneaky return into the top five. But sadly it collapsed this week and could be done with the top 10 as soon as next week. Oh well. It's had a really good run for a rap song, so I won't be mourning its loss too badly.
Rising on the Hot 100:
22- "Humble." - Kendrick Lamar (+6) -- I'm assuming that this had a bit of resurgence this week thanks to the remix with Skrillex. Not a remix I saw coming, but Kendrick fits surprisingly well with Skrillex, so long as you don't mind Skrillex's unique, robotic noises that he brings to his songs. If you hate Skrillex and like Kendrick, you'll certainly be wondering what in the heck happened to your song. I'm not sure this was a necessary remix, but it works just fine for me.
29- "Havana" - Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug (+15) -- After a 20 spot jump last week, Camila jumps another 15 spots this week. Is top 20 in store next week or is the 20's where this song will settle? I'll guess this at least gets close to that top 10 for Camila and I'd be happy for her. She was the best part of that Fifth Harmony mess and I much prefer her solo stuff, even though it's not a masterwork. I'm fine with this.
34- "Perfect" - Ed Sheeran (+24) -- I'm also totally fine with this being a hit, too. After "Castle on the Hill" sadly managed to get stuck below the top 10 following its initial debut and couldn't quite break through, this definitely looks like it has the potential to be another huge hit for Ed. As long as we don't get too carried away with it by overplaying it like crazy, I'm totally happy with this. Ed does his romantic, wedding reception songs very well and I'm a huge fan of this.
39- "I Fall Apart" - Post Malone (+26) -- Which Post Malone piece of smelly dog crap was this? Oh yeah. The one where he whines and moans like a spoiled rich kid after a breakup because he's shocked that he couldn't buy his way into her heart. He had to do this thing called actual love and devotion, which he apparently wasn't capable of doing.
41- "do re mi" - blackbear (+5) -- Let's kick out Post Malone and bring on blackbear. This is not the most amazing work of art ever, but after reminding myself of it last week, I found it stuck in my head on multiple occasions, so I'd much rather this be our rap placeholder instead of some of the other crap.
42- "New Rules" - Dua Lipa (+6) -- Dua Lipa is slowly rising up the charts with her hit. I'd really like this to rise a little faster, but I'm glad it's at least rising as the general public begins to accept Dua Lipa into their culture. This is a good thing.
46- "Gucci Gang" - Lil Pump (+6) -- Someone please KILL this song. Why are we making Lil Pump a thing since the only people that like this song are the punk teenagers that think they are super cool by listening to this rap music thing. Worst part of it all is that this thug dropped an album and now I'm worried that I'll be forced to cover more of his garbage. I'm not looking forward to that.
49- "Bad at Love" - Halsey (+8) -- Eh. Not as bad as Lil Pump hitting the top 50, but I don't really want Halsey in here, either. Bring on some more actual talented female pop stars instead of Halsey's bland boring music.
59- "No Limit" - G-Eazy featuring A$AP Rocky & Cardi B (+19) -- Now I'm really mad at Cardi B. She's helping this song rise on the charts. Top 50 is certainly up next and I'm dreading that, especially because she's dragging G-Eazy and A$AP Rocky with her.
68- "Hi B---" - Bhad Bhabie -- The curse word in the title that I censored is misspelled by Danielle. She left out the "t" in the word, making her seem extremely unintelligent. She could be doing it because she thinks misspelling words is cool. But in this case I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she thought that she was spelling it right. Onto the song, though. Danielle, our teenage Dr. Phil girl who now goes by that awful rap name, represents everything wrong with the music industry. I suppose if she wants to be a punk teenager thinking she's all cool, then whatever. That's her choices. But why do we as a country consuming music have to encourage her and make her a thing in the music industry? There are millions of talented people in this country who would absolutely kill to have a career in the music industry. But this punk girl who has no ounce of talent or intelligence in her body is the one we give a record deal to and promote on hip-hop radio? That's so wrong in so many ways and it makes me furious. This song is barely even a song as it's less than two minutes long. Danielle brings nothing to it with her non-existent musical talent. And the lyrics don't even make any sense. Yet this debuts all the way up at No. 68 and might even stick around. I don't understand.
74- "No Promises" - A Boogie wit da Hoodie -- Hey, look! An actual rapper on the charts! After subjecting myself to that awful wannabe song by Danielle that we somehow allowed onto the charts, listening to this was almost like a breath of fresh air. And then my mind came back down to earth as I remembered that I don't like this guy either. He's just boring. Granted he gets a few extra kudos for not doing the Migos rap or the mumble rap. He's actually rapping and he's actually a rapper. But this specific song is just one long verse with an intro and and outro where Boogie rambles on for like three minutes about stuff that I don't care about. Something about him being upset about a breakup and disappointed with being caught up in this lifestyle and not being able to make any promises. I don't know. If this had flow or groove, I might give it a pass because the lyrics aren't offensive. This is just dull ramblings from Boogie and since we have four of his songs to cover, I'm moving on.
75- "Say A'" - A Boogie wit da Hoodie -- OK, this one is a little better. We have two verses separated by choruses instead of one long verse with Boogie rambling on about something. That gives the song a better flow to it. There's also a piano integrated along with Boogie's rap, which gives it an interesting, fun bounce to it. And when Boogie was singing the chorus, I actually believed for a bit that he had something interesting and personal to say. But then we got to the verses and it's the same boring, cliche rap stuff. Bragging about how rich he is and stealing your girl. That type of stuff. Like, come on man. Have a bit of creativity. Write something different. And I don't really know what the "Say A'" stuff means, outside the fact that "A'" rhymes with "say."
84- "Undefeated" - A Boogie wit da Hoodie featuring 21 Savage -- Boogie's audition to be included on the next Madden or NBA 2K game. Because this is totally the type of song they include on their games. Dumb rap songs that have some vague sports references. With Boogie bragging about how he's undefeated, that fits quite nicely. Except Boogie is really talking about how awesome of a human being he is, not how good his football team is. Nothing like a man full of himself to get me excited about a song. And of course you know how much I love it when I get the pleasure of hearing 21 Savage mumbling incoherently through his verse. Sarcasm is strong with this one.
86- "Beast Mode" - A Boogie wit da Hoodie featuring PnB Rock & YoungBoy Never Broke Again -- OK, before we even get to this song, can I complain at how annoyingly ridiculous it is to look at the artists on this track? Did Boogie feel the need to feature the dumbest names in rap just to make his awful name not look as bad? Imagine if instead I could type Julius Dubose featuring Rakim Allen and Kentrell Gaulden, because those are their real names. What's so bad about using that? Do you know what? Screw it. I'm using their real names for the rest of this post. Most of this song is Julius and Rakim going back and forth with Julius' second attempted sports song that has nothing to do with sports. Beast Mode being a reference to running back Marshawn Lynch and his power running style, which the two of these guys use to rap about how awesome they are. The annoying part being Rakim sounding like he recorded this song with a golf ball in his mouth. Then Kentrell comes in at the end sounding like he's trying to be cool and hip as possible, while adding absolutely nothing to this song that's really about nothing anyways. The only good thing about talking about this song is that no more songs from Julius' album showed up, so I am officially done with him for now!
98- "Smooth" - Florida Georgia Line -- After having to deal with Danielle and Julius for this whole list thus far, I've never been happier to see Florida Georgia Line show up on the list of new arrivals. Like, I mean that literally. I'm not a fan of these guys, but they're much more tolerable the other stuff I subjected myself to. So this is the only time I've been happy to see them. But I don't want to give them too much credit because this is nothing special. They're just singing about how smooth this girl is. In the type of way that makes me think of a girl being cat-called at by a couple of redneck bystanders seeing her for the first time. Meanwhile she just rolls her eyes, ignores them and moves on with her life. Certainly a huge step above Sam Hunt's "Body Like a Back Road," but not as charming and romantic as Florida Georgia Line were going for. But still. This song has a bounce to it and a groove. It's an actual song. Unlike our other five songs that showed up this week. Let's hope next week is better.